


how to be human

by Sheblet (salem112)



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-07 16:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1122246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salem112/pseuds/Sheblet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>hypothesis:</p><p>you are not born with a soul. when you are born, you are merely a shell. a vessel. and, as you grow, as you continue to breathe in, you take in bits of the universe. particles that merge and love and strengthen into you. this is your soul.</p><p>should the same not be said for a synthetic human? if we make our own living beings with hands for grabbing and lungs for breathing, can they not absorb what we absorb? can they not form souls?</p><p>this is what this experiment intends to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

hypothesis:

you are not born with a soul. when you are born, you are merely a shell. a vessel. and, as you grow, as you continue to breathe in, you take in bits of the universe. particles that merge and love and strengthen into you. this is your soul.

should the same not be said for a synthetic human? if we make our own living beings with hands for grabbing and lungs for breathing, can they not absorb what we absorb? can they not form souls?

this is what this experiment intends to find out.

 

—

they said to write down everything.

i met her today. i introduced myself with a smile and an offered hand, but she did not return the smile. did not shake my hand.

“cosima,” she mumbled without making eye contact.

“she will be like that for a while,” leekie assured me when i looked at him. “remember; people aren’t born with souls. you must give her time.”

“well, that’s the hypothesis,” i said, suddenly unsure of this task i’d been given. “how do we know it has any basis in fact?”

“we don’t,” he said with a gleam in his eye. “that’s what you’re here to find out.”

i spent the rest of the night in the two-room apartment leekie provided, watching her study a pencil like it was the most glorious thing the universe had to offer her. i wondered, briefly, what it must be like to have suddenly burst into existence. humans don’t normally remember being born, but androids are made with all of the memory power of a functioning adult. did she remember what it was like not to exist?

just thinking about it made my stomach hurt. i decided not to ask her about it.

—

she is afraid of the dark.

i’m writing this down now, immediately after it happened, so as to not forget about it. i think it is crucial to her development.

she settled herself stiffly upon the sheets of her bed. i said “good night” and shut out the light. the sound that came from her a moment later was heart-shattering.

i clicked the light back on swiftly to find her upright and huddled, hands pressed to her eyes because at least the darkness behind her palms was safe.

it took me fifteen minutes to finally coax her hands away from her face. she looked confused, eyes wide. i smiled, clicked on the lamp on her bedside to leave on all night.

“you don’t have to be scared anymore,” i assured her.

and there, barely visible on her lips, a tiny smile lingered.

i can’t bring myself to be very happy about this development, however.

i just can’t help but wonder if the darkness reminds her of not existing.

i think i’ll leave my light on, too.

just in case.


	2. Chapter 2

"what should i call you?"

this is the question that started it all, i suppose. she looked at me with those blank eyes and posed the question as if she were reading from the dictionary.

"just delphine is fine." something sparked in her eyes then, like my name had connected something inside her. i know that sounds pretty vain, but i swear to god it’s what i saw.

"you’re french." it wasn’t a question; more like an observation. i smiled.

"yes."

"that’s cool." she picked up the same pencil she’d been studying for days. i studied her studying it until finally, my curiosity got the better of me.

"what is it you like so much about that pencil, cosima?" i asked, trying not to sound too much like a doctor. she didn’t seem to mind, however, eyes fixated on the tool in her hands.

"it’s so small," she said quietly. "so simple. but it can create much bigger things, like a famous poem or a map of the world. i think that’s great."

i think you’re great, i almost said, but i thought better of it.

but really. if you think about it.

she’s amazing.  
—  
i like to take her out places. to the park, mostly. the exposure is good for her, i think.

today i took her there and she marveled the same way she always does. she likes plants the most. she’ll sit and stare at the same flower for hours, as if hoping to communicate with it. sometimes i worry she’ll form an emotional attachment to a flower before she will to me.

"cool," is all she ever says. her voice barely reaches above a whisper.

i really hope this project is successful.

i’ve never heard an android laugh, but i have a feeling it’s probably worth it.


	3. Chapter 3

i took her to the lab with me when i could no longer spend my life in that tiny two room apartment. don’t get me wrong, the accommodations are lovely; but i can only handle so much of the gentle click and whir of cosima’s inner workings ricocheting off the walls before i begin to feel myself go mad. i will need to talk to leekie about that flaw in the design. if we want them to be as human as possible, they shouldn’t sound like machines.

"delphine!" the intern, scott, is a fresh faced student with glasses and a goofy grin. i hoped maybe he could get more of a reaction out of cosima than i could. he’s got energy to spare, and i’ve been running on empty.

"scott," i greeted lightly. "this is cosima." he paused at the name.

"whoa," he whispered. "is that her?"

of course the whole lab would know about the project. it is groundbreaking research, at least according to leekie. “a huge step forward in the field of cybernetics,” he’d say. “a kind of self-directed evolution.”

"yes," i sighed. "that’s her."

and then cosima did something miraculous. she smiled and held out her hand. “nice to meet you.”

perhaps she did listen to my long-winded lessons about social cues, after all.

maybe she would be able to pick up certain behaviors.

but, i’m getting too excited. ahead of myself. well-placed social cues do not a human being make.

"can i look through the microscope?" cosima asked.

"yea, dude!" scott said cheerfully. "totally." i watched, smiling, as he set up a stool for her to stand on (she is rather short). she peered into the lens with even more curiosity than i’d seen her exhibit so far.

"whoa," she breathed.

"that’s dna," scott explained.

"it looks like the universe," she stated.

it’s three hours later and i haven’t stopped thinking about that sentence.  
—  
there’s been a setback.

i had the tv on in the background as she and i read. i loaned her one of my biology books to study (ever since our trip to the lab she’d acquired an interest) but at some point the tv must have distracted her because when i looked up she was staring at it intently.

"cosima?" i asked. "what is it?" i looked at the tv show. it was one i’d seen before; some kind of medical drama. the character on screen was crying. they’d lost their patient.

"i can’t figure out what is happening here." her frown deepened.

"um, well, the doctor is crying. because he is sad."

"yes, but why?"

"his patient died."

there was a long pause, and then a punch to my gut.

"so?"

and i couldn’t explain it to her. i’ve realized i can teach her to be polite, can teach her to smile at all the right moments. but i can’t make her understand empathy, let alone make her feel it.

i can’t make her feel anything.

i’ve been thinking since then, and this will be my last entry. the project is a failure. i will give leekie my resignation tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

there have been developments.

i sat alone in my room for a long time. i tangled my hands in my hair and breathed heavily. this whole thing was a mistake. who gave us the right? who gave us the right to play god? i knew that was leekie’s aim. he talked about being a god often. how, if plato were to see what we were accomplishing, he would think we were gods. we’d created human beings in our image.

or, at least, we tried.

i wasn't so convinced we’d succeeded. and, at what cost?

it was then that i heard the knock on my door. i scrubbed my face with rough hands and whispered a small “come in.” i knew she’d hear it. her hearing was exceptional. the only thing flawed was her eyesight, which they’d done on purpose to make her more “realistic.”

writing that makes my stomach hurt. realistic. like she is a toy, made to imitate life but never to have it for herself.

"delphine," she said quietly as she entered. "i’ve upset you." she is always very blunt, you see.

"no," i lied, because she looked so… ashamed. it was the most i’d seen her express since that first night when she’d cried out in the darkness.

"you are upset about something, though," she persisted. "i can tell."

"you’re observant," i told her with a smile. "i am upset, yes, but not about anything that is your fault. understand?"

"yes. i understand." she then hesitantly came to sit beside me on my bed.

"i’m sorry i don’t understand a lot of things," she said. "but i’m trying. and i don’t want to make you feel sad. if i’m ever an… an asshole, just tell me. okay?" and she smiled.

i let out a startled laugh. that was the most i’d ever heard her say, and the most personality i’d seen come out of her.

"okay?" she repeated.

"okay," i laughed again. "where did you learn to talk like that?"

she shrugged. “it just… came out of me.”

well, as you can see, there’s no way i can quit the project now. i’ve done some thinking, and decided that humanity isn’t in a person’s ability to express empathy or even emotion.

humanity is being able to look into someone’s eyes and see them, their personality, their life force and their love - even if they only have love for flowers and parks and number two pencils.

—

"did you know there’s a type of parasite out there that infects insects and controls their brains?"

"i did not," i murmured distractedly, looking over some files. there have been two new androids brought into the world - sarah and alison. i’ve been reading up on their mechanics and receiving updates on their behavior.

"if that parasite were to ever like, evolve or something, we could end up with a real life zombie apocalypse on our hands."

i lowered the files to look at cosima. “you’ve been watching the walking dead again.”

she gave me a cheeky grin. “yea.”

i rolled my eyes and smiled.

it has been a few months since cosima has come into my care, and there have been some changes, to say the least. sometimes i hear little bits of the intern, scott, in the way she says “dude” and “like.” sometimes i hear myself when she gets excited about biology (she’s devoured every single textbook i’ve given her) and once i heard her say “yea, obvs.” which is something the girl working the desk at the library likes to say.

she’s like a sponge, and everything and everyone she comes in contact with makes her better. brighter.

there was, however, an incident today that got me thinking about self-awareness. cosima decided she wanted to help me cook, and i shouldn’t have put her in charge of chopping vegetables because in the next instant she was grunting in surprise.

"ow." she looked at her hand, where a deep gash marred her palm.

"oh, cosima," i gasped in alarm, "you need to be more-"

but her face stopped me. she looked horrified.

"what is it?" i asked.

"no blood," she said quietly, and at first i was puzzled. but then she went on "i’ve watched enough tv to know that humans bleed when they get cut."

i was speechless. of course i never thought to explain her origins to her. i had always assumed the knowledge was programmed into her.

"i’m not human, am i?" she whispered, and my heart immediately shattered.

so i did the only thing i could think to do.

i grabbed her face with both of my hands. it was smooth, and cool, and vibrated with the minute, complicated mechanisms that worked her face into a smile or a frown.

"listen. you are more human than most people i know. when i look at you, i see so much life. so much potential. you are wonderful the way you are. all right?"

she smiled tentatively and nodded. looking at the words i said written on the page like that, i realize i meant every single one of them.

i fear i’ve become too emotionally invested in this project.

i fear i’m too far gone to care.


	5. Chapter 5

“cosima,” i said hesitantly.  
“yea,” she responded, distracted by the remote she had been taking apart and then putting back together for the majority of the day. rain tapped insistently at the windows, and the occasional roll of thunder made her hunch her shoulders. the sound of it merged with the constant symphony of her inner mechanics - a sound i had grown rather… accustomed to.  
“why are you afraid of the dark?”  
her head snapped up immediately, hands pausing halfway through intricate work. “what?” she asked.  
“that first night you stayed with me. i turned out the lights and you… you got so… scared. do you remember? you’ve slept with the lamp on ever since.”  
well, technically robots don’t “sleep” so much as they power off in a way that is similar to sleep. they don’t dream. or at least, that’s what the research suggests. i’m not so sure anymore.  
“uh, i dunno,” she mumbled, but i could tell she was lying.  
it’s okay. i’m sure she’ll open up to me.  
eventually.  
\--  
“i wanna do something with my hair.”  
“i… what?” i looked at her. she sat on the bench beside me. the park, which had become our favorite place to do our most intense thinking, stretched out before us. beyond us. seemingly endless.  
i knew it had an end, of course. i’d run its perimeter countless times before, when i’d been on one of my health kicks.  
but right there.  
right then.  
it could have gone on for eternity.  
“my hair. i want to, like, cut it. or dye it. or something.” she fingered the long brown strands, and i watched how delicate the tips of those fingers were. always so light. gentle. as if afraid of breaking this amazingly complicated world she’d abruptly found herself thrust into.  
“really?” this was interesting. personalization. she wanted to express herself. her identity.  
“yea. it’d be cool. i don’t know.” she hunched her shoulders the way she did when she was nervous, as if trying to make herself smaller.  
“no, i think that’s…! i think that’s a great idea! we can look online for styles, if you’d like.”  
she perked up immediately. “really?”  
i laughed. “of course. it’s your hair. you can do what you want with it.”  
that fact seemed to genuinely baffle her.  
\--  
we sat at my laptop well into the night, scrolling through images upon images of hairstyles. “cool hair styles for women” seemed to have made itself a permanent home in my google search bar.  
“uuuugh, i dunnooo,” she moaned. “they’re all pretty cool, but, like. they don’t feel like… me. you know?”  
i did indeed.  
“what about this?” i asked, pulling up an edgy, short hairstyle. the color was bright red.  
“nah.”  
“what about some bangs?” i asked, and nudged her playfully. “you’d look very cute with bangs.”  
“shut up,” she laughed. “but nah. i’m not… feelin’ it.”  
i kept scrolling, keeping quiet and letting her take in the styles on her own. i’d have sat there scrolling for hours, if that was what she wanted.  
“oh,” she said suddenly. “oh, shit. that one. yea. definitely.”  
i followed her finger to a picture on the screen.  
“really?” i asked. i was surprised but at the same time, i wasn’t. it was very…  
her.  
“yea. what do you call that?”  
i clicked the “print” option and the printer whirred to life across the room.  
“dreadlocks. they are called dreadlocks.”


	6. Chapter 6

“wow,” cosima breathed as she touched one of the twists extending from her head with one hand. i put her glasses back on for her so she could see it better. “this is great.”

“you look wonderful,” i told her, reaching out myself to touch her new hairstyle. i was right. the dreads were so entirely her that i could never picture her with any other style. the image of her old hair, plain and brown and curling gently, was already fading from my mind. though i’d mourn those soft curls, i knew this was right.

cosima continued to stare at her reflection in awe, as if all of this autonomy was still surprising to her. some new, confusing concept they hadn’t taught her before booting her out of the lab and into my tiny two-bedroom apartment.

“this is me,” she whispered.

“yes,” i agreed.

\--

my phone rang in the early hours of the morning. i picked up, half-awake and stuck in a dream of infinite universes.

“allo,” i greeted, accidentally slipping back into my native tongue in my exhausted state.

“hey, dr. cormier.” i found my head clearing at the familiar voice.

“scott,” i said.

“you said to call if it happened. well…”

i leapt from my bed. “we’re on our way.”

\--

cosima shifted in the cool morning air, and though androids don’t technically sleep, she still had that sleepy, i-just-woke-up look about her. she rubbed her eyes and yawned and i felt my heart soar.

“hey guys!” scott greeted cheerfully. he was always cheerful, that boy. he smiled at cosima. “are you ready?”

“i’m not sure what i’m supposed to be ready for,” she mumbled, and though she wasn’t annoyed, she was still grumbly all the same.

“well, c’mon and i’ll show you,” he said before leading her into the house. i followed, but kept my distance.

i wanted to see the events unfold entirely.

scott took us to the living room, where there was a strange, quiet air to the room. peaceful.

you got the sense that something extraordinary was happening right here, right now.

“c’mon,” whispered scott, and he led cosima over to one side of the room, where a pile of blankets lay. but it turned out to not just be blankets; wrapped in those blankets was one adult golden retriever (the mother) and five newborn babies.

“oh,” gasped cosima, and her hand came up to grip her shirt just over where her heart would be.

if she were human, that is.

but she became so overwhelmed with emotion, so delighted and moved, that i couldn’t help thinking maybe there was a heart hidden in there, after all.

\--

“what shall you call her?” i asked gently, and cosima paused, looking thoughtful. the golden retriever squeaked as if she had something to prove, but she didn’t move much. this was to be expected.

“what sort of name do you give a dog?” cosima asked, brows wrenching up in curiosity. i reached over to thoughtfully scratch the pup behind her ears.

“whatever you like,” i said, but i could tell she was struggling. 

“how about daisy?” i went on. “after your favorite flower.”

“but she’s not a flower,” said cosima innocently, face puzzled. “she’s a dog.”

i couldn’t contain my giggle. 

“you are right,” i said. “but she is beautiful like a flower, no?”

“hm,” she said, staring down at golden fur and still-closed eyes. “yea. she is.”

“well, then. daisy it is.”

cosima spent much of the rest of that day just holding daisy. she did not push her, or try to get her to play. it was as if she understood that this life, in its beginning stages, was fragile. new. and so, she was gentle, just holding the pup in her arms, stroking gently.

and then we had to leave daisy, because she still wasn’t quite old enough to leave her mother.

“when she is old enough. then we can take her home,” i explained gently as scott lifted the puppy from her lap, returning her to the pile of blankets with her mother.

cosima nodded her understanding. she paused, however, on her way out the door.

“what if she gets scared?” cosima asked. “what if she misses me?”

“she knows you’ll come back,” scott said.

“yes,” i agreed. “she has her memory of you, now. she has that to hang onto.”

cosima looked relieved.

\--

when i came into her room that night to make sure she was ok and to make sure the lamp was on, she stopped me.

“you wanted to know why the dark scares me,” she said seriously.

“yes,” i said, quietly, as i took a seat on the bed.

“ok.” she took a deep breath. “it’s hard to explain.”

“take your time.” i reached out and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly.

“i couldn’t tell you before because i… i didn’t know much. i couldn’t explain it to myself, even. but now i think i’ve got an idea. see, there is only one universe we know of. this one. beyond this, there could be anything. there could be more universes - or, there could be nothing. nothing for miles. do you understand?”

i nodded, slowly, encouraging her to go on.

“well, when i wake up… and it’s dark… i’m afraid i’ve gone somewhere else. somewhere beyond this universe, where there’s just nothing. for miles.” her hand began to shake in mine.

“i’m afraid i don’t exist anymore,” she said, trembling. this was strange. i’d never seen an android have such a physical reaction to emotion. i’d never seen an android experience such emotion, period.

“hey,” i whispered.

“but i’m not scared anymore,” she insisted, and suddenly her hand gripped mine back, tightly.

“no?”

“no.”

“what’s changed?”

“i have you now. i have your memory, in here.” she tapped the side of her head. “if i can still feel you, then i know i must still exist.”

and that night, for the first time, she slept without the lights on.


End file.
